There will always be naysayers in your life. No matter what it is you do or where you go or who you are, these people will always exist. Do they exist as a direct result of jealousy and resentment or merely as a product of misunderstanding? Perhaps a little bit of both. Perhaps a whole other reason all together. Their presence in your life can be a negative influence and have draining impacts. Therefore, it is crucial to be in the right mindset so that you are able to effectively and positively recognize them and cope with them.
Check out my post dealing with a similar issue → It’s Ok to Live a Life Others Do Not Understand
Who are haters?
Haters/Naysayers are overly critical, judgmental and negative people. Now, that doesn’t mean they have to be outright and forthcoming with their hater ways. Rather, in most instances, haters try to hate in secret and are otherwise known as “fake” people. To me, there’s nothing worse! Fake, inauthentic and unsupportive people in your life need to be recognized and dealt with in a healthy manner so you can successfully detox your life and continue living at your BEST, top quality level.
“Yes, even friends and family can be haters”.
I most certainly recognize these people in my life (I see you). Some of you may have taken longer than others to uncover and some of you are rather heart-breaking because…yes, friends and even family can be these toxic haters. As difficult and mournful as it may be, your relationships with these people need some TLC reevaluation.
How to identify these relationships/recognize a hater…
1. Is there someone in your life who you ALWAYS seem to support but who NEVER supports you in return?
If your answer is “no” then you are a very lucky individual. Personally, I have had a couple people who I considered very near and dear to my heart utterly shock me with their lack of support. I’ve gone above and beyond to show up for their important events or to hire them on gigs that I thought they’d love to be a part of; I consistently tell them how awesome their ____, ____ and ______’s are and celebrate their successes with a beaming smile; I promote their small business and/or support their new business endeavors; I intently listen to them talk about themselves with great pride and even ask questions because I am genuinely interested in their lives …THE LIST GOES ON.
When the time comes for them to do something so simple as to subscribe to my blog or even just read and show interest in one of my posts…do they deliver? Do they even merely ask about MY life? Heck, no! Instead, they’re nowhere to be found. They’re one of the last people celebrating my successes. You know what that tells me? That tells me point blank: they’re a hater. MY hater. Thus, not such a supportive + loving friend when it is all said and done.
After all, a true friend SHOWS UP. A true friend is happy for your happiness. It’s easy to be sad when someone else is sad..but celebrating someone’s success when you’re feeling down is harder work. But TRUE FRIENDS PUT IN THE WORK.
2. Is there someone in your life putting you down or questioning your decisions and forcing you to always defend yourself?
It’s exhausting how often I find myself defending my lifestyle to SO MANY PEOPLE including family. It’s been brought to my attention that a hater among my blood relatives recently said that I will “never grow up“.
Why am I NOT grown up, you ask?
Oh you know, because I’ve built a life that allows me to chase my dreams, live my truth and be FREE. And that’s obviously not mature *insert eye roll.* Because this person has a societally acceptable job and lives the societally acceptable “grown up” life, he/she is obviously more grown up than me. *insert laughter*. Or…could it be…he/she is ACTUALLY unhappier with his/her life and feels the need to put down my HAPPY life that I’ve worked SO hard to craft? I’ll let you decide that one. 😉
As my wise friend, The Turquoise Traveler, said:
“Freedom is super triggering for people who don’t allow themselves to be free”.
Haters love to label people and put them into boxes. Placing a person in a box makes it easier for a hater to judge them, diminish their significance and place them lower on their own distorted totem pole.
For those in the back, I’ll say it one more time:
Just because you don’t understand someone’s life does not mean you have the right to put theirs down. 👏 Just because they live differently than you does NOT mean your way of life is the “right way” or the “superior way“. 👏
3. Is there someone who tries to “warn” you or attempts to keep you from succeeding?
It’s not uncommon for haters to try to act like friends who care about you. In fact, they’re typically the ones who try to dissuade you from pursing your dreams or block you from chasing after your big goals. You’ll hear them say things like “I think you should spend your money on an investment such as a house versus traveling all the time. It’s the responsible thing to do. I think you’re making a mistake. I’m just warning you“. It’ll be as if they’re putting you down for doing something that they were unable to manage in their life. OR they’ll require more and more of your attention, inhibiting you from putting in the necessary work to achieve. They’ll make you feel guilty for being so busy.
It’s also possible for a hater to criticize a person/relationship you’re in, saying such things as: “My significant other would never act like that. I could never be in a relationship like that” and blah blah blah. Just because your relationship is different (and probably better), they feel the need to “warn” you out of spite and jealously. Hater.
*note: this isn’t always the case. There’s a difference between a hater saying things out of malice with ulterior motive VS. a good friend / family genuinely concerned about abusive and unhealthy relationships. The distinction is one you have to make for yourself: is your partner abusive and ultimately disrupts and deteriorates your quality of life? If so, perhaps these warnings aren’t coming from a place of hate. See the difference.
4. Do you happen to notice that they’re oddly attracted to negative energy and crave drama like it’s their life force?
If you notice a friend/acquaintance/co-worker etc is always surrounded by drama and negativity: RUN FOR THE HILLS. Chances are, they’re a hater. Haters love to surround themselves with other people who are equally as miserable and unhappy as they are. This allows them to feel better about their own problems and look better in their company’s eyes. It also makes it easier to get along with said company because there are fewer chances of sparking bouts of jealously and so on. The quote “you are the company you keep” is famous for good reason. If you’re friends with a gossip-stricken, petty and hater-inclined group of people…chances are, you’re one as well. Laws of attraction.
This leads to number 5…
5. Does someone you know hold a grudge for long periods of time?
A hater obviously has a very hard time letting go of things which is a big reason they’ve become a hater in the first place. Not only do they attract negativity, but they’re unable to release it. This further fuels their fire and vicious cycle. This toxic practice only leads to more and more anger that will continue to flow towards another victim when the opportunity presents itself.
Jealousy is ugly and toxic.
First of all, we’re all jealous of someone at some point in our lives – it’s an inevitable human flaw. But, how we deal with the jealously is the pivotal deciding factor that turns us into either a “hater” or a “supporter”. You don’t even have to be a fan! But supporting one another’s goals and dreams and sharing in each other’s happiness are what genuine relationships are all about. If you ACTUALLY hate someone or something, delete them from your world. STOP following them on the social medias just to exponentiate your hate. And, for heaven’s sake, please stop being their fake friend.
I’m not claiming to be perfect and innocent in all this.
In past years, I had seen myself following people on social whom always irked me – their posts ALWAYS seemed to get under my skin and put me in a negative space. This would further lead me to complain about this person ..making me a “hater”. When I recognized this, I knew I had two options to overcome it (as do we all).
How to overcome your hater ways
A) Delete the subject of your hate from your life. If you’re unable to feel any ounce of positivity when faced with their presence and/or posts, etc… then you have to remove them. IF it’s truly them. Some people are pure toxicity and negative energy personified. Also, some people just aren’t for you.
However, if it’s NOT actually them and you do care about the relationship…
B) Put in the personal work to discover WHY and WHERE this hate is coming from. Create solutions and try to OVERCOME it. Most hate is a self reflection of our inner feelings projected outwardly and unfairly onto others. REMEMBER THIS.
Once I put in the self-reflecting and self-discovering work, I was able to grow and evolve into a better person. I was successfully able to move past these ill-feelings and misplaced negativities and truly be HAPPY for these specific individuals. I’ve found transformative ways to cope with my human flaws of envy and resentment; I’ve turned these ugly feelings into a positive and driving force. For me, whenever I see myself beginning to display “hater” tendencies, I simply ask myself…
“What am I unhappy with in MY life?”
Am I all of the sudden jealous of someone’s success? Well, hmmm. Could this sudden jealously wave be due to the fact that I’ve been taking it easy and not working hard enough? Answer: probably! Let’s get to work!
How to deal with YOUR haters
To begin with, ask yourself how much they mean to you. Is their negativity and toxicity worth fighting for? If not, cut them loose. It’s as simple as that.
If you love them, unconditionally, then perhaps these other steps are necessary:
- Try to talk to them and tell them that they’re hurting you. Be open and honest. Just because they are “fake” doesn’t mean you should be in return.
- Put some distance in your relationship. Do you have a sibling who can’t be happy for you/ support you? Perhaps you need to spend some time apart and stop giving them MORE of you than they currently deserve. A one-sided relationship is draining. Don’t empty your tank on an unfulfilling, unrequited relationship.
- Don’t get angry. Even though you love this person and are deeply hurt, anger is never the solution. Besides, deep down, a hater WANTS you to feel worse. Don’t give in to their energy. Continue to shine bright, radiant one. Don’t let this person extinguish your light.
- Accept that they are, perhaps, going through something difficult and your current happiness exacerbates their struggles (whether this is fair or not OR whether you understand this or not). Even though they may be creating an unfair relationship, try to be the bigger person and give them time to change their ways as they work towards overcoming their obstacles. Giving people chances can sometimes pan out. However, don’t allot them a bottomless pit of said chances on good faith they’ll one day change. You’ll know the tipping point.
- Let their criticism/doubt FUEL your fire. Allow their words to motivate you to acquire further happiness and reach even higher achievement. Watch them eat your dust as you leave them behind on the ultimate quest to enlightenment.
- Do not apologize. In attempts to reach common ground with a hater, never resort to apologizing for who you are. You are entitled to your success (whatever success means to YOU) and happiness. You are entitled to live the life you dream of living. It’s YOUR one and only life.
- In the end, you have the power. Are YOU happy? That is ALL THAT MATTERS. I know it’s hard to recognize this power in times of overwhelming doubt but its ALWAYS the truth, whether you recognize it or not. So, why not TRY to come to terms with it? Why not just learn to SEE your power? 🙂 Be confident in all that you’ve built and in all the places that you’re heading. Just know that you are on the right path and it is they who are faltering.
In the wise words of T. Swift:
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off.
Thank you all for reading. The hater thing has hit close to home lately and I felt the strong urge to address it. I know I’m not the only one and I hope that this can help/speak to a few of you bold souls out there – those of you who are unapologetically YOU.
Do you have a way of dealing with the naysayers that I didn’t mention? I’d love to hear your coping mechanisms and thoughts!
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